Not Good Enough

I wasn’t good good enough…so she said

That was nearly 12 and half years ago.

It was a girl I met.  A girl I knew.  But I wasn’t good enough.  So she said.

She was a university student, studying Economics.  I took interest in her.

She was of the LDS faith.

And she said, If the boy has a chance to serve a mission, but doesn’t…

If the boy has a chance to get a college degree but doesn’t…

If the boy has a chance to be active in the LDS Church but isn’t…

Then I don’t want him in my life.

 

That was it for us.  That was just about the last conversation ever there.  And we had walked and talked and ridden buses together but never kissed, except maybe that feeble night’s attempt when reconciliation was no longer viable or feasible, either one.  And I hung my head and walked away.  No college degree?  Check!  Mission?  Yes, but I walked away from that faith.  Not active participant in LDS Church?  Check!

I reflect on the lessons of the failure.  In the back of my mind, it wasn’t meant to be.  A vision I had had and a feeling of another woman whom I did not know but did eventually meet nearly 2 years after that.  Searching for love, sometimes visions are to trust.  But I just dreamt this girl again last night, the one who rebuffed and pushed me away.  I dreamt her twice in consecutive, opposing dreams.  And although that was a long time ago (And I’ll call her ‘Suzie’ although that’s not her name.), why in the world visit me in my dreams?  What a nightmare, it would seem, and it was that, too.  Death was in near approach, supposedly.

Sometimes visions are to trust in cases of love.  Sometimes visions are to trust in cases of love.  And although this girl spat my name out, and although her interest show sincere in my dream last night, I know not to trust lying lips and lying hearts.  And most certainly, I know not to trust one for whom I am never good enough.

So, Dear Suzie, you of 04 but also 2000 and 2001, I’ll write you a note wherever you might, after the dream I had last night.  I hope you are well even though we will probably never again meet.  May you reach your own life’s destiny of your own hopes and dreams.  It isn’t and won’t for ever us, and you know that, too, but I remember you.  I remember you.  If only for dream that doubled into two.  If only for the memory, the memory of you.  But by each I learn.  By each I grow.  My knowledge expanded by the people I know.  And I do.  I do wish you well, dear Suzie.

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