When I die, I would like my remains to be cremated.
Life is nonsense and meaningless. I believe that so also is a dead body.
Cremate my body as a token symbolic of life itself.
So many times I said, Kill me before you take me to jail over whimsical shit.
Kill me before you take me back to that dark hospital forlorn place.
And I continued and I continued.
In the hospital, they said, You’ll stay til you go along the with system.
I said, 70 years, you can’t keep me more. I’d be dead, of course.
And so the joust. The daily war. The warfare of my life.
But warfare can be addictive. It can be hard to give up.
It’s hard to start. It’s hard to quit.
My life turned to anger, and my anger turned to justice.
I didn’t believe in “doing my best.”
The only real-time solution was to endure until satisfied, each and every time.
No matter the length of said war may last. Didn’t matter.
“Doing my best” was never an option.
The end result was all I ever had in mind.
And the wars dragged on and on and on, as many hours or days or years as necessary. Year after year after year.
There have been many involved, but principally, and from day one,
With my mother.
Such a spirit to condemn from the time I was young.
When I could not articulate at four, and used words I knew, like “dumb”, “stupid”, or “idiotic”, referring to my lists of daily chores to do, that my day-to-day day after day I was unable to conform to requirement, the punishments always ensued. The crack of the whip as it were, like Shamgar son of Anath killing 600 Philistines with an ox goad. But the Judges are my heroes, and they liberated Israel.
And today has heralded yet another beginning for me. The chance to lick wounds from many a fight that go from day to day. Making a stand for Justice when no one cares about Justice. Making a stand for truth when no one cares about truth. All want to hide behind lies. Making a stand for right when all want wrong to prosper, at least if only for himself or herself. Making a stand because I can. Because, honestly I would rather be dead than live the life I have, and Justice seems alone of importance now. I have no feeling. I feel nothing, only focus, only drive. Love means nothing without Justice. Life means nothing without justice. Hope, faith, and charity are all meaningless without justice. And maybe there will never be…
And in that case, all the sooner, happily might I be, cremated.