The Many Laws of Inertia

For no other reason than to add insult to injury, I decided to continue writing this fen-angled mangled bloog of a blog.  Those of you who were just sure I would give up my sad charade by now must be terribly saddened by this news.  Or olds.  Whatever it’s called.  Just sayin’…the suffering of my publishing is not yet over.   And I guess I can thank WordPress or Bill Gates for his Microsoft that powers WordPress or any of the other geeks that made this digital world possibly.  But mostly, I would just like to thank Jim Thorpe who when his father took him to school and his father went out the front door, he out the back, beat his dad home in the 10 miles back to home from school, while he on foot and through another route and his dad in horse and buggy, showed that school simply WAS NOT for him!  And if I could be and I would be…of this type of personality.  The psychologist that let me off the hook from the death by Eternal druggery punishment said to me, “You have a divergent mind” and allowed me to go straight criminal court.  I don’t know what he meant by that, because I don’t understand all his technologically advanced super-vocab.  But I can say this, I am fast.  And that’s where this story begins.

…But before that…This morning as I was eating my breakfast cereal, the thought came to my mind, “Ya know, if it weren’t for the marshmallows in this cereal, it would look exactly identical to cat food.”  That was a very sobering realization and I worry that pondering too long on it might make me barf.

So, for all of you super-faithful readers who eat up every tidbit crumb of super-cookie I hurl your way, I want to begin with a piece of Masterpiece Theater, I mean, Spider-Man.  You see, when I was teaching sixth grade in…school, there were three band students who weren’t excited to leave my language studies class.  I heard the bell scream, SCRAM!  But somehow, it didn’t strike them with the same unsavory force as the rest.  They stayed.  “We want to hang out with you,”  … “Yea, you’re cool…”  Blah blah blah.  And before I was basically ordered to give them all papers signed by me guaranteeing that I had HELD them over in my classroom so that they could not possibly make it band class at the the sound of the trowling SCRAAAAAAAAAMMM… sound, the topic turned to Spider-Man.  And of course, the real hero, Green Goblin, played by the masterful Willem Dafoe.  And the boy says, “Green Goblin is cooooool.”  A girl responds, “I think he’s creepy!”  And so goes our truancy-sponsored gab session during my ‘prep’ hour.  Anyway, some wonderful advice is given by Green Meanie, I mean, Green Goblin:  “All women are beautiful, until they’re snarling after your TRUST fund.  A word to the not-so-wise:  Do what you gotta do with ‘er, and broom ‘er fast!!”  (Thanks, Will.)

I don’t want to belabor this point or go beyond what would be reasonable in any or all senses of torture, but to be brief:  Men, learn to run.  Learn to fight.  Women you get mixed up with will be fast, and they will be strong.  You MUST absolutely MUST learn to be faster they they.  Be stronger than any henchmen or cronies they can or may send after you.  As soon as the woman says, I AM IN CHARGE, run.  Run away.  Run away and don’t look back.  Be like Lot when he let his woman burn, and he kept going.  Here’s an idea, Take her out on a run.  Find out how fast she is.  Make absolute sure you are faster than that at whatever stage, frame of mind or weakness/sickness you may find yourself to OUTRUN HER, whatever the situation, and DO IT!  I know a kid who didn’t.  pooorrr thinnnnng.  Really.  Looking at him makes me sad.  Sadder than a tortured puppy.  Please, men, learn to run.  Learn to fight.  Please.  Words of wisdom for those that want to be wise like me.

I can see this is already getting too long, so I’ll stave off the appetite to write all those other craziness for whatever unlucky passersby may cross.  Good-bye.  Three fingers high.


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