So, my brother and I once put a tent on top of hay bales and there slept. The wolves were howling, but we were semi-safe. We tipped over four round bales. Put them together in a square. Put the tent on top and slept. He told me, just after his LDS mission I should get me some cows, like him. I never did. I fixed his fence with him to put his cows in in the neighbor’s pasture that he rented for them. He always was smarter than me, but everytime I asked him, he said, Look in your back-pocket dictionary. And I never realized that was a clue. And the time, he said, “Hey, Daniel, that was actually funny. And I loved the song he played on his KLCE radio: WE BUILT THIS CITY. And I danced to Michael Jackson’s BAD when I was six (?). And he taught me the countries I rack and I ran and punched me in the nuts. He did a contest of who could hit the softest and let me go first. Asked me if I wanted an Indian rub and proceeded to burn my arms with friction. And that was just a taste of the many things he taught me. And how to run away from my mother when she starts screaming, MATT, CLEAN YOUR ROOM! And we roamed the pasture grounds. And we look quite alike. And I wore his hand-me-downs after they’d passed through my brother.
And one day I saw a man in white brighter than the son followed by twelve others, and he told me I belonged with two. And there were seven like horny pains in my head that had trumpets, too. Trumpets and vials of evil to poor. You see, women are angry 99 % of the time, and they need a man in their life to focus their anger on. So, Demi, Selena, Britney, Shakira, Miley, Belinda, Katy, here I am. You can knock off pourin’ all that anger on the poor ol’ world. They can’t handle it, anymore. You’re supposed to send it my way. I’m the only one that can handle your shit. Oh, Jared Leto, Davey Havok, he said I was supposed to hang out with you and dress in red or some some shit like that. So, let’s get to work, Bitches! I’m supposed to be your head. Get ready to rumble. Oh, and the 12 ya know: Linkin Park, Beartooth, Disturbed, The Last Goodnight, Imagine Dragons, Coldplay, Juanes, Enrique Iglesias, Aleks Syntek, Fallout Boy, 21 Pilots, and My Chemical Romance, that’s enough. Basta. He said for me to tell you that.
Oh, everyone, you can stop your prayers. My brother’s kinda busy right now. Ah, Shit! I wasn’t supposed to that. Goddammit! Now what…You didn’t see anything…Is that a rabbit over there?
Batman and Robin, you can take me to the Phantom Zone now… mua ha ha. mua ha ha. Mua ha ha. You’ll never take me alive!
Quit exploding my mind! Quit it! Stop it. Stop it already!! Quit exploding my mind! Stop it! STOP IT ALREADY!!!
Why did you pee on me in public!! I own this hospital! You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re all fired! … I didn’t like you at first, but I like you now. … Put that comb away before you cut my throat with it!
You wanna see my sports bra! (fluuup.)
I HAD to take my top off. They would not give HIM attention! … Daniel, take all your clothes off! #@#@#*#@*(*@!@#$%
I am angry 88 % of the time.
What, you think you’re spider-man all skinny like that! C’mon, I’ll fight ya! I’ll break your bones.
You suck! You only make 10% of your shots! …
If you wanna see what color of clothes I’m wearing, come over here and look at me!
I know why you’re here! You were sent to spy on me!!
Ohhh, shit! A virus just took over my computer. Disregard everything that follows! The Beast has hacked my mainframe!!!
10 PRINT “Hello World.”
20 INPUT “What is your name?”
30 PRINT “I want to have sex with you.”
Somebody please shut this piece o’ shit down! It’s outta control. They’ve hacked me! There was nothing I could do about it! I swear this is not my fault! Please believe. Pleeeease!!!
…And the Zombie Apocalypse begins…Oe, who has my battle axe?? I need it. Now!